Ups and Downs. Part 3 (TMI and graphic, personal content)

Kyle and I drive home together. I don’t want to understand. I don’t go back to work.
We go home and lay in bed. I cry. I get angry. I cry more.
We call and text people and let them know.  Our baby didn’t have a heartbeat.
The girls from work send flowers. I don’t want to look at them.
Kyle’s supervisor brings his lunchbox to him. They stand outside and talk. He asks if it’s ok if he calls Pastor Jake for us. He is concerned. He asks questions. 
Kyle is strong. He is so strong. 
My sister stops by. She bring a Willow Tree of a girl holding flowers. She says they are poppies. We called the baby poppy. Once, he was the size of a poppy seed. She also bought a bag of gummy bears. We smile.
She leaves. We move to the living room. Kyle plays his game. I lay on the couch. The doorbell rings. It’s Pastor Jake. My living room is a mess. The laundry I was working on the day before never got done. Plates from lunch are on the floor. 
The lights are off.
He sits and we talk. It gets darker and I finally realize that I should turn the light on. We had been sitting in the dark for a while.
He prays with us. I felt better after he left.
It’s supper time and I want out of the house. We go to Sonic. 
We come home. I take a bath.
We try to sleep. I cry.
Tuesday morning I go to work. I don’t want to sit at home. I don’t want to look at Kyle and say “Now what” one more time.
I make it through the day. I don’t cry. I’m tired. Wednesday I go to work. I leave after lunch because I’m tired. I don’t feel well. I had filled my prescription. I take some pain medicine and take a nap until Kyle comes home. I eat. We try to sleep. We talk for two hours about what we think happens to babies when they die before they are born. Finally I fall asleep.
Thursday I wake up. I feel different. I go to work early because I know I won’t make it through the day. We are having important people come talk to us. They meet with Mary first. I haven’t taken any pain medicine yet. My back is hurting. I am talking to Monica and realize the cramps I’m having aren’t cramps. They are contractions. I call Kyle. He leaves work.
I wait for Mary to finish. I can’t take it… I can’t sit.. it hurts. I pack up my stuff, tell Jody I’m leaving and walk out. I can’t sit on my bottom on the way home. It’s 9:30.
I take the first pill. It has to be vaginally so I take a bath first. We lay in bed. It’s happening already without the medicine but I don’t know what’s going on.
My cramps come and go. I remember they aren’t cramps… they are contractions. They get worse. I cry. I’m angry. I yell that this is STUPID!
Kyle says he’ll go fill the tub and I can’t wait for him. I go to the bathroom and blood gushes.. I get in the tub. The pain is bad but not the worst I’ve ever felt. We stay in the tub for a while. It gets better and I get hungry. I get out, dry off and Kyle makes me a sandwich. A really, really good sandwich. With the stupid meat and cheese from a package and not fresh deli sliced that we argued about. As soon as I eat, the pain gets worse. He makes tea because it doesn’t matter anymore. I can have as much as I want. 
I’m back in the tub. He sits with me and holds my hand. I don’t realize it but hours go by. I keep taking my pain medicine as often as I can but it doesn’t touch these contractions anymore. I’m screaming. It hurts. I cry. This is stupid. My sister calls and Kyle tells her “Now isn’t a good time” and hangs up. I don’t realize it but I’ve been in the tub for hours. After every contraction more blood and clots come out. He calls the doctor’s office because I throw up from the pain. He asks if this is normal, the nurse sadly replies “Yes.” He begs desperately for advice. What will help? Heat, cold, massage, different positions? She tells him “Whatever works.” A cold rag on my head helps. He drains the water for me again. It’s red. Like koolaid red. After a bad set of contractions, I see what I think is… “it.” He gets an old white t-shirt and cuts part off. I set “it” in the shirt and we set it aside. The pain was horrible. I know it’s not like childbirth but I didn’t have the nice “baby’s about to be born and it’ll all be worth it” attitude. I didn’t have anything to look forward to except sadness. Kyle is an amazing champ. He feeds me rolled up sandwich meat and brings me drinks. The pain was at it’s worst and I’m constantly screaming and crying. I forget Kyle is there and all I know is the pain. Then I’m exhausted. I lay my head on the side of the tub on a rolled up towel. I’m not aware of anything else. Kyle asks if I’m ok.
I don’t realize it but it’s now 4 o’clock. I sit back up. We talk. I feel better. Different.
Then I have the strangest sensation. I feel something big coming out of me. It doesn’t hurt.
I look down and say, “Well, there it is.”

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