Time changes everything. Since my last post, Kyle changed jobs and then quit his job. He has been jobless since March and is now starting a business in La Grange with two other men doing wildlife and land management. I stopped working towards my teaching certificate because it was too expensive and the lovely State of Texas underwent serious budget cuts which caused ECISD to enact a hiring freeze. Our house is on the market but no one has come to look at it yet. We are in a pickle there because we will owe the $8000 First Time Homebuyer Credit in addition to paying off the mortgage and paying the realtor, etc.
Kyle and I went to visit Dr. Chauhahn on March 21st where we received the results of my extensive blood tests and Kyle’s “analysis.” My diagnosis of PCOS we re-confirmed and Kyle received an all-clear. He was actually quite proud of himself when he heard his “counts.” I, of course, was not impressed.
Since Kyle also quit his job in March, Dr. Chauhahn’s visit marked our last real attempt towards treating my infertility. It’s not the right time as everyone keeps telling us. This is something I sincerely understand… the problem is I’m not sure how long it will be until it IS the right time. And when that time comes, how much more difficult will it be for us to conceive? Only God knows the answer to all of my questions and I keep telling myself that this is all in his plan but it’s hard to see that through all of our struggles lately.
Speaking of God, I have tried to turn to him recently to deal with all of this stress but I’m lost at how to continue my journey with Him. I don’t know how to have a relationship with Him. I’m awkward and uncomfortable. I feel isolated and alone because I don’t know who to talk to about these problems. I don’t know if we are making the right decisions and it what we are on the right track. I’m such a planner and right now the only thing that is certain is the uncertainty. Only time will tell if we are doing the right thing. With God’s help, we will make it through.
One thing that keeps popping into my mind is that one day I will give birth to a tiny miracle and all of this will be worth it. One day I will tell my child the struggles we went through to bring him or her into this world.
Yesterday Kyle called me at work and told me that Kelsie was pregnant. My heart fell out of my chest. Stupidly, I cried at my desk and off and on the rest of the afternoon. What an idiot I was, sobbing in the bathroom, then later in bed next to Kyle while he comforted me. It’s hard to explain how I feel and I know Kyle tries to understand… he has a pretty good grasp on what’s going on inside my head but only other women going through this will know. The overwhelming sense of failure… the extreme awareness of my inadequacies… the general feeling of helplessness… My sister told me last night that when I sent her the text message “Kelsie is pregnant” she teared up. She knew that my heart was broken and aching. She knew that there was absolutely nothing she could do to fix it. There is no magic word to make this easier. Only time can heal the scars I carry.